Anxious Attachment, Love, and Finding Your Way Home

If we're going to use attachment labels, I would probably describe myself as having some anxious attachment tendencies.

I've become more aware of them in recent years.

Not so much during my marriage, but afterwards.

It was only when I found myself opening up to love again that I noticed how vulnerable it can feel to care deeply about another person.

To let someone matter.

To risk disappointment.

To risk loss.

To risk not knowing.

I think many people assume anxious attachment is something we simply need to get rid of.

But I'm not sure that's always the most helpful way to think about it.

For me, the real work hasn't been about eliminating anxiety.

It's been about understanding it.

Listening to it.

And slowly learning not to let it run the show.

After a long-term relationship ends, it's natural to feel untethered for a while.

I certainly did.

There were moments when I found myself looking outside of myself for reassurance, certainty, or a sense of worth.

Moments when I wanted someone else to fill the space that had been left behind.

But over time, I've come to realise that no relationship can permanently provide what we haven't yet learned to offer ourselves.

That has been one of the most important lessons of my adult life.

The more I've grieved, reflected, spent time with good friends, pursued meaningful work, exercised, travelled, laughed, and continued building a life that feels like my own, the less I have needed another person to convince me that I am okay.

I've started finding that reassurance within myself.

A sense of home.

A sense of steadiness.

A growing confidence that I can cope, even when life feels uncertain.

And perhaps that's what secure attachment really is.

Not the absence of fear.

Not the absence of vulnerability.

But the belief that whatever happens, we won't abandon ourselves.

I still have moments of uncertainty.

I still have moments where old fears quietly tap me on the shoulder.

But they no longer get the final say.

Because the relationship I've been working hardest on isn't simply the one with my partner.

It's the one with myself.

A Thought to Take With You

If you notice anxious attachment showing up in your relationships, perhaps ask yourself:

“What am I hoping someone else will give me right now that I might also begin offering myself?”

Sometimes the journey towards feeling secure begins not with finding the right person.

But with finding your way home to yourself.