The Island Between Us

One of the greatest gifts we can give the people we love is permission to have their own little island.

Not a place they disappear to because they're angry or pulling away, but somewhere they can simply be themselves. A walk on their own. A coffee in the sunshine. An afternoon with a book. Time to think. Time to breathe. Time to recharge.

As a therapist, I often meet couples who mistake space for rejection. One partner quietly retreats to their island, while the other wonders, Have I done something wrong? Are they pulling away from me?

Often, they're not.

They're simply restoring themselves so they can come back more present.

Some people need more of this than others. Introverts often recharge through quiet, while extroverts come alive around people. Many of us are somewhere in the middle. Neither is better; we're simply wired differently. The difficulty begins when we expect our partner to recharge in exactly the same way we do.

Having lived overseas for many years, I've learnt that relationships aren't sustained by constant closeness. Some of the people I love most have lived thousands of kilometres away. What kept those relationships alive wasn't speaking every day, it was knowing we were safe with each other. We trusted that the connection was still there, even in the spaces between conversations.

I think romantic relationships are much the same.

Time apart can feel incredibly healthy – provided it's comfortable, safe and understood. When your partner says, “I'm going to spend a little time on my island,” and you know they'll come back across the bridge, there's no panic. No chasing. No guessing. No stories about what it might mean.

Just trust.

To me, that's one of the loveliest feelings in a relationship. Knowing you can each honour your own space while never questioning the relationship itself. It's not distance that creates insecurity – it's uncertainty.

Perhaps that's what secure love looks like.

Two people who can happily spend time on their own little islands, knowing the bridge between them remains strong. They don't cling to each other out of fear. They choose each other, over and over again, while still allowing each other room to simply be.

And somehow, that kind of freedom creates the deepest connection of all.