When WE Becomes ME

I have been thinking a lot lately about what happens to couples when life gets stressful.

Sometimes I sit with couples who genuinely care about each other. They are kind, thoughtful people who want their relationship to work.

Yet somehow, when stress takes hold, they can find themselves on completely different sides of the room.

One person becomes anxious and wants to talk.

The other becomes overwhelmed and gets up and leaves.

For the person who leaves, it may feel like the only thing they can do in that moment. Their nervous system is saying, “I need to get out. I can't sit with this.”

For the person left behind, though, it can feel very different.

They are left with the uncertainty.

Where has he gone? Is he coming back? Is he angry? Does he want to leave me? What just happened?

Their nervous system is now activated too.

This is where I think an important shift can happen.

We can move from WE to ME.

Instead of “How do we get through this together?”, our nervous system starts asking, “How do I get myself out of this?”

Neither person necessarily intends to hurt the other. Both are trying to regulate themselves.

The problem is that one person's attempt to regulate can become the other person's source of distress.

I notice this in couples I work with. I notice versions of it in my own relationship too.

So perhaps, next time you notice this happening, give yourself a moment to ask:

“Are we still a WE right now, or have we moved into ME versus YOU?”

If you need to leave the room, that is okay.

Sometimes we genuinely need space to settle ourselves.

The important part is what happens next.

Try saying:

“I'm really overwhelmed and I need some time to calm down. I'm not leaving you or this conversation. I'll come back and we'll talk about it.”

That small reassurance can make a very big difference.

If you're the person left behind, notice what happens inside you too. You may feel anxious, angry, abandoned or desperate to get an answer.

Try to remind yourself:

“I am activated right now. I don't have to solve this in this moment.”

Then, when you're both calm, talk about the pattern rather than just the argument.

You might ask each other:

“What happens to you when you feel overwhelmed?”

“What happens to me when you walk away?”

“What could we do differently next time?”

These conversations are often much easier to have when nobody is in the middle of the storm.

Relationships aren't about never becoming activated. We're human. Stress, exhaustion and life can make us less generous, less patient and more reactive than we would like.

The work is noticing when WE becomes ME, and learning how to find our way back.

Because sometimes the person across from you isn't your enemy.

You're both just caught in the same cycle.